My friend often complains about his boss. The complaints are not about workload, hours or responsibilities. Mostly they’re about feeling under appreciated. This got me thinking. So I asked around and in an admittedly small sample size my very unofficial poll confirmed what I already knew. Employees want to feel valued. Simple. Although you can’t see it, everyone of us has a sign on our backs. The sign says “be nice to me.” This is a very basic human trait. It is NOT a weakness. Why then do bosses, managers and supervisors not get it?
You Get More With Honey Than With Vinegar
Have you heard that one? It’s true. It seems to me that bosses are afraid to show empathy because they believe, wrongly, that doing so will erode their authority. It won’t! It will make you seem human, which you are. Sure, you’re the boss. Your employees have to do what you say. After all, you hold a very sharp sword over their heads. You can fire them. But beware. Brandishing that sword overtly will create resentment and fear. Is that really what you want? I’m not talking about becoming everyone’s personal friend. That has its own set of problems. Here is what I am talking about:
- Say please – yes, I know it’s their job to do as you ask. Say please anyway
- Say thank you – yes, I know its’ their job to do as you ask. Say thank you anyway (I just said that)
- Be consistent – complimenting employees today and criticizing them tomorrow sends a mixed message. If your employees never know if they’re getting the “mean boss” or the “nice boss”, they’ll hold back for fear of getting the “mean boss”.
- Be sensitive – you make more money than your employees do. Don’t talk to them about your vacations to far away places (unless they ask). Chances are they can’t relate and will end up resenting you.
- Praise more, criticize less – okay this one is really Human Relations 101 and we’ve all heard it countless times. Bosses/managers/supervisors listen up! You can’t praise enough! I’m guessing that if you’ve never had children, you won’t get this one.
Fear and Resentment Will Work … Temporarily
So here it is in a nutshell. The “mean boss” and the “nice boss” will both get the same results from their people. But here’s the crucial difference. One approach creates a culture of resentment and fear and the other creates a culture of mutual respect and cooperation. The first can’t last. The second can’t lose.
And Now Back to You
I really need help with this one. If you’re an employee, does this resonate for you? Have you worked for the “mean boss” or the “nice boss” or both? What was your experience? If you’re a boss, does any of this make sense to you or am I missing something?
Photo credit: robinsonelizabeth76
I agree Marvin, both methods work, but as you say being nice can be preceived as being weak, and being weak could lead to being taken advantage of, in many different ways.
I think being nice in a firm way is the best way to go. This can be accomplished by communicating openly, and discussing the Goals of the Business or particular Project that one may be working on, and how positive results will benefit all. And of course a sincere Thank You I appreciate your efforts, after the job is done goes a long way.
People will work harder for the company when they know they are appreciated.
Nice Article.
Ed Scialdoni
Thanks for the thoughtful comments Ed. I agree with you that people will work harder for the company when they know they are appreciated. That's why I don't understand why some bosses don't get it. Do you think being nice is a sign of weakness for a boss or supervisor?
Marvin, I don't believe that being nice is a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it should strengthen your business. If you are pleasant to your employees they should take more of an interest and pride in the work product of the office. If the employees do not take a greater pride in the work they and the office produce, well that is a topic for another article.
That being said, a nice boss should not be a door mat. That is how you can lose your authority. A boss still needs to be firm and let his/her employees know that they are expected to perform their duties and responsibilities at a high level. The knowledge of a boss's expectations is much more effective than instilling fear.
Some additional thoughts for bosses would be:
1. Don't be passive aggressive towards your employees.
2. If an employee makes a mistake, bring it to his/her attention and
explain how to avoid it in the future. We all learn from our mistakes.
Great points Steve. As far as a nice boss not being a doormat, see Gwen Ryan's comment above. As long as you follow the 3F's – be Firm, Fair and Friendly – you'll never go wrong.
I totally agree. Over two decades ago I worked for the mean boss variety and it fueled my escape from all bosses into the world of entrepreneurial self-determination!
Thanks Robin. I can relate. I always had little tolerance for mean bosses too. I guess that's why I fled the corporate world. By the way, I'm not always thrilled with my current boss either.
Good stuff man. Employee/Employer relationships are very important for not only the employee's well-being but the atmosphere of the work place and a client's perspective of the business.
Good points Derek. I hadn't even thought about the client's perspective. Makes a lot of sense.
"Remember the 3 F's", my father, Lex Mahan, would say…
Be FIRM, FAIR & FRIENDLY
The most respected leaders have these three common traits and never seem to waiver.
Sounds like your father was a wise man. Why don't bosses, managers and supervisors remember the 3F's? Thanks Gwen.
Hi Marv;
This is a tough subject I have only worked for one mean/jerk.
This certainly is a tough subject. That's why I'm so interested in what people have to say about it. Thanks for your input.
I've worked for people that feel like they have to hit you with cannons firing every time you do something wrong. I don't think its the correct approach. Showing empathy for employees can lower costs associated with business. An employee who feels appreciated – even a simple thank you – won't want to leave their job. People like doing business with a company that doesn't have turnover. It shows a better company image; plus you won't have to pay for training of new employees. I think it benefits companies more than people think.
Marvin- this is a great article and a very important topic… the boss' attitude can set the tone for the entire workplace. I have worked for both nice bosses and mean bosses and my work ethic did not change from place to place but the amount of respect I had for the boss greatly did!
Great points Marvin,it does me well to consider how I perform under these circumstances. During stressful projects its important to think about the feelings of my employees and show them that they are appreciated.
If you're building widgets in factory where regiment and standard procedures reign, wielding carrots and sticks can be effective. The mean boss approach may work quite well.
But for work that requires any level of creativity, ingenuity, problem solving, and for which you need people to take initiative (and risks), I agree with Dan Pink – that the forces of autonomy, mastery, and purpose are strongest for motivation. His talk here on YouTube -  ;http://youtu.be/u6XAPnuFjJc – should be required viewing for leaders.
Nice post, Marvin. Thanks for getting this conversation going.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Tom …. and many thanks for pointing me to the Dan Pink video. You can be sure I will be pointing others to it. And yes, it should be required viewing for leaders.
The number one reason why people leave their job is due to bad treatment by their managers. In a down economy, people will put up with more because they are afraid of not being able to find a new job. Also, some folks will stay because they are afraid their next position will be worse than their current one. They lower their expectations and heighten their stress levels. Mean bosses don't just affect the workplace, they can also wreak havoc on people's health, relationships, and productivity.
That's exactly right Shirleyann. And it's a shame too because bosses will get so much more from their people if they just treat them with respect and show some appreciation. Seems so simple doesn't it?