Irecently had a disturbing conversation with an old friend. His 24 year old daughter quit her job in Los Angeles and moved back home to Massachusetts. Nothing unusual there. It happens all the time. She liked LA but missed her friends. So home she came hoping to save a little money, make a dent in the student loans, find a new job, get her own apartment and get on with her life. Not so easy…. for my friend, his wife or their daughter. To quote Philip Rosenthal, writer, director and creator of the Everybody Loves Raymond television show, “it’s not that we don’t love you honey, it’s just that….well it’s just that we were planning to put a hot tub in your bedroom.”
What’s That Thing Attached to Your Body?
“What frustrates you the most about her being back home with you?” I asked him. His answer surprised me. “It’s not the clumps of hair in the drain, the permanently unmade bed (which she doesn’t vacate till 11am), the permanently plugged in hair dryer, the lights that get turned on and never get turned off, the greasy frying pan left for someone else to scrub or the look of disdain on her face when we ask her to do something.” “What, then?” “It’s the cell phone. The damn cellphone,” he said. “What do you mean?” I replied. “Well,” he said, “it seems to be attached to her body. I’ve never seen her without it. She’s always texting. Always. Everywhere, anywhere, all the time. It’s as though she can’t focus on anything for more than ten seconds before she’s back to texting. Texting from her bed before going to sleep, texting from her bed when she wakes up (which she doesn’t do till 11am – oops did I already mention that?), texting while she’s talking to us, texting while we’re talking to her, texting at dinner in a restaurant, texting at dinner at home, texting from the bathroom getting ready to go out, texting while using the hair dryer (which never gets unplugged – oops, did I already mention that?). We assumed it was her best friend she was “talking” to but that theory was blown to bits when her friend was over the house recently. There they were, the two of them sitting on the couch not more than 3 feet from each other both of them gazing intently at their cellphones …. texting! Not talking to each other, texting.” I thought for a long moment before asking the question I knew would not have a simple answer. “What is it about her texting that bothers you so much?”
Is it an Old Guy Complaining, the New Normal or Just Plain Rude?
“Well for one thing, she’s not a teenager anymore. She’s a 24 year old woman and there’s something…. I don’t know, disappointing about her not being able to engage in the moment. When we’re having a conversation at dinner, for example, it’s insulting to see her texting while we’re talking. She might as well tell us we’re boring. I don’t know, am I just out of touch with reality? Is this the new communication model where nobody pays attention to anybody and “conversation” is just a series of fleeting snippets, grab what you can grab and keep moving. The whole texting thing is like somebody is chasing you and you can’t slow down for too long or you’ll get run over. Are we going to eventually evolve into creatures with no mouths and large thumbs?” Instead of answering my question, he raised a few new ones. Is he an old guy complaining, is this texting thing the new normal or is it, as I suspect, just plain rude?
And Now Back to You
I didn’t know what to say to him. What would you tell him? Has this addictive texting behavior shown up in your life? Do we have to get used to it or is there still hope that conversation – real conversation where we look each other in the eye when we speak; where we are truly interested in what the other person has to say – won’t die.
Iam learning to accept the truth regardless of its source. It’s hard. After all, the truth, as we’ve heard too many times, hurts. But how could it? Why should it? Here’s what I think. It’s not the truth that hurts at all but rather the manner in which it’s first revealed – its source. Maybe you’re in the midst of a heated argument with a friend/spouse/co-worker when he/she angrily spews out some vitriol that you know contains some element of truth about yourself. Or maybe an unhappy client is taking you to task for poor customer service. Or perhaps a competitor has exposed, very publicly, some of your weaknesses. In each of these scenarios, and in countless others, truth lurks, daring us to find it.
Take a Deep Breath
This is how it usually goes for me. First I get angry. I rant and rave (in my head of course), plot revenge, blame someone (not myself of course), make excuses, remain angry, calm down (only a little) then, with a pretty much ruined attitude, continue with my day. Later, much later, when the world is quieter, I sit down, take a deep breath and ask myself this question: “Was there truth in what was said to you or about you today?” Here’s the hard part. The answer is almost always yes. Now I need to painfully pull the nuggets of truth, one by one, from the mass of hurt. Ouch! Worth the effort? You bet! Truth hurts. But it’s a good hurt.
What is Truth Anyway?
A while back I blogged about success and asked how you define it. Okay amateur philosophers, ready? What is truth? From whatistruth.org, here are some of my favorites:
The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear. Herbert Agar
Not being known doesn’t stop the truth from being true. Richard Bach
You never find yourself until you face the truth. Pearl Bailey
A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. William Blake
Truth, of course, must of necessity be stranger than fiction; for we have made fiction to suit ourselves. G. K. Chesterton
Here is another take on the truth … the famous “You Can’t Handle the Truth” speech from A Few Good Men delivered as only Jack Nicholson could. Enjoy.
Now Back to You
How do you handle difficult truths about yourself? Are you able to accept them? Is your process anything like mine? If you’ve got a better way I’d love to hear about it. Talk to me.
Stuff I Haven’t Worn in Well Over a Year. It’s Gone Now.
I‘ve always believed that less is more. It’s a worldview that informs a lot of what I do. In music, fewer notes almost always works better for me than lots of notes. In writing, concise is better than verbose. In web design, white space is better than gratuitous design elements. But here’s the thing – and I’ll use music as the analogy. To say what you want to say in fewer rather than more notes, each note must mean more. Each note has to have emotion, has to be expressive, has to breathe, has to let the listener fill in the blanks and use their imagination. B.B. King is a master at this. Every note he plays tells a story. I can’t explain it. It just is. And those whom he has influenced – Eric Clapton comes to mind – have that same quality. Don’t get me wrong. Clapton can rip off a blizzard of notes when he wants to. The point is he doesn’t have to.
Same Goes for Stuff
So when I came across this wonderful blog post by Julien Smith about stuff, I had an epiphany. I have too much stuff. Somewhere along the line I heard that if you have clothes in your closet that you don’t wear for an entire year, you don’t need them. So, like a man possessed, I threw open my closet door, identified the stuff I hadn’t worn in years, threw it in a big pile on my office floor, gathered it up and brought it to the nearest Goodwill box. Ahh! What a relief. And as an added bonus, Julien’s post contained a link to a fascinating video by Graham Hill, the founder of Life Edited, a site dedicated to the proposition that we can all live a very happy, fulfilling life while leaving a very small footprint. Hill puts his money where his mouth is. Literally. He lives in a tiny apartment in Manhattan that can somehow seat ten people around a dining room table, sleep two guests comfortably in their own beds and a whole lot more. You’ll have to watch the video to see how he does it.
More About Stuff
All this attention on stuff got me thinking about the classic George Carlin bit about….well it’s about stuff. How much we have, how much we want, how we protect it, how we build our lives around it, how it runs our lives. This clip is 26 years old but like all great comedy, still very relevant. Take a break from sorting through your stuff and watch this. You will laugh. A lot. I promise.
And Now Back to You
Have you ever thought about how much stuff you have? Do you ever wonder if you need it all? What do you do with it? Do you still have unopened boxes you’ve carried around through several moves? Do you tend to get rid of stuff every now and then? I’d love to hear from you on this one. Talk to me?
Iam not the most selfless person in the world. The impulse to put others first, so natural for so many, doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m not proud of this nor do I really understand it. I’m guessing it has something to do with my father not playing catch with me enough when I was a kid. Whatever. The point is I recognize the flaw and work on it in my own way. For instance, I’ve made “Someone You Should Know” a regular feature of my blog. Each post in the series highlights someone who in my view has done something extraordinary. I have introduced people to Jay Dorfman, gifted photographer and film maker; Tom Gould, Peabody, Massachusetts City Councilor, entrepreneur and humanitarian; Linda Samuels, author, educator and visionary; and Laverne Auguste, a bright, passionate young woman who will most certainly change the world.
Beyond Hallmark
I have, till now, refrained from writing about Judy, my best friend, partner and wife. There are a couple of reasons for this. One, I’ve been a little squeamish about bringing my personal life into so public an arena and two, I’ve feared that anything I wrote about her would read like a sappy Hallmark card (not that there’s anything wrong with that). So why now?
Just Buy Me Dirt
We, like many families, are experiencing our share of difficulty – health, money, career – you get the picture. But like the palm tree planted in the shifting sand of a windswept beach, Judy bounces back. She always bounces back.
Yesterday was a beautiful day here on Boston’s north shore. It was, as most Sundays are for us, a day of no computers, no emails, just relaxing and recharging. So I asked Judy what she wanted to do.
“Is there anything I can buy for you today?” I asked. “Perhaps that diamond ring I never bought you” I added jokingly (very jokingly).
She didn’t hesitate. “Dirt. Just buy me dirt”. And she meant it.
“I just offered to buy you a diamond and you want dirt?”
“Yes” she answered. “I just want a few plants, some potting soil and bark mulch and I’ll be happy.”
In that moment everything I love about her crystallized and hung there in the air.
And Now Back to You
If you had to write a Hallmark card about someone, who would it be? Write one. You don’t need to publish it or even show it to anyone. Think about someone you love and just do it.
Success – what is it? Everyone, it seems, has a definition – literally everyone. What I know for sure is that it’s elusive, impossible to define, very subjective and something everyone wants. Curious about what others had to say, I visited the Brainy Quote website. Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorites:
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” David Brinkley
How can they say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?” Logan P. Smith
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.” Erma Bombeck
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill
Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” Arnold H. Glasow
The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last year.” John Foster Dulles
These next two are my favorites. The Shirley Jones quote because it’s funny (I like funny) and the Tennessee Williams quote because …. well just because.
After I won the Oscar, my salary doubled, my friends tripled, my children became more popular at school, my butcher made a pass at me, and my maid hit me up for a raise.” Shirley Jones
Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it… Success is shy – it won’t come out while you’re watching.” Tennessee Williams
Yes, it’s Personal. Very Personal
As you can see, everyone has their own take on success. It’s a moving target. Not only does it look different to different people, it looks different at different stages in your life. It certainly doesn’t look the same to me as it did thirty years ago. Let me digress for a moment. I belong to several professional networking organizations and local chambers of commerce. These memberships give me access to hundreds of business people. From plumbers to attorneys and every conceivable profession in between, I can always find someone I know, like and trust enough to refer to one of my clients. At a recent business expo, I met Chris Gilbert, a video production veteran with a great idea – capturing the essence of a business in a one minute video. I immediately recognized an opportunity. I referred Chris to one of my clients. They connected and Chris was hired. I was so happy when he called to thank me for the referral. But it was more than just happy. It was a deep feeling of satisfaction – a sort of pervasive contentment that just made me smile inside. My definition of success had changed again. So here it is:
I am successful to the extent that I can contribute to the success of others.
Now Back to You
Do you consider yourself a success? If not, have you thought much about it? If you could wake up tomorrow morning and suddenly be successful, what would that look like? Is it about money? Is it about having choices? Has the idea of success changed for you over the years? Talk to me.
“What frustrates you the most about her being back home with you?” I asked him. His answer surprised me. “It’s not the clumps of hair in the drain, the permanently unmade bed (which she doesn’t vacate till 11am), the permanently plugged in hair dryer, the lights that get turned on and never get turned off, the greasy frying pan left for someone else to scrub or the look of disdain on her face when we ask her to do something.” “What, then?” “It’s the cell phone. The damn cellphone,” he said. “What do you mean?” I replied. “Well,” he said, “it seems to be attached to her body. I’ve never seen her without it. She’s always texting. Always. Everywhere, anywhere, all the time. It’s as though she can’t focus on anything for more than ten seconds before she’s back to texting. Texting from her bed before going to sleep, texting from her bed when she wakes up (which she doesn’t do till 11am – oops did I already mention that?), texting while she’s talking to us, texting while we’re talking to her, texting at dinner in a restaurant, texting at dinner at home, texting from the bathroom getting ready to go out, texting while using the hair dryer (which never gets unplugged – oops, did I already mention that?). We assumed it was her best friend she was “talking” to but that theory was blown to bits when her friend was over the house recently. There they were, the two of them sitting on the couch not more than 3 feet from each other both of them gazing intently at their cellphones …. texting! Not talking to each other, texting.” I thought for a long moment before asking the question I knew would not have a simple answer. “What is it about her texting that bothers you so much?”
“Well for one thing, she’s not a teenager anymore. She’s a 24 year old woman and there’s something…. I don’t know, disappointing about her not being able to engage in the moment. When we’re having a conversation at dinner, for example, it’s insulting to see her texting while we’re talking. She might as well tell us we’re boring. I don’t know, am I just out of touch with reality? Is this the new communication model where nobody pays attention to anybody and “conversation” is just a series of fleeting snippets, grab what you can grab and keep moving. The whole texting thing is like somebody is chasing you and you can’t slow down for too long or you’ll get run over. Are we going to eventually evolve into creatures with no mouths and large thumbs?” Instead of answering my question, he raised a few new ones. Is he an old guy complaining, is this texting thing the new normal or is it, as I suspect, just plain rude?
